Should Mental Illness Mean Losing Your Kids to the System?

Should Mental Illness Mean Losing Your Kids to the System?

via ProPublica

Vs. Other Moms

I've noticed that most people in our lives, but only those not a part of the system, feel compelled to say disparaging things about Jay's bio mom and his first foster mom. I have nothing bad to say about either of these women, and I don't share details, although I do say how well his foster mom cared for him and loved him. But people keep saying how awful these women are, and how lucky he is to be with me, and how his whole life will improve drastically now that he's with us. Things like, "Well no wonder he's eating/sleeping better, he's finally getting love." I don't agree with any of it. It seems that people feel the need to knock down the other moms in order to boost me up? Maybe they think I need that? I don't. I don't feel insecure or threatened by any other mother, and I don't need to be the best. But it must be human nature to compete with other parents, because everyone is saying it.

It's telling of how we, as a society, view foster care, foster parents, and bio parents. If they all get immediately bashed with no info to base the bashing on. It's like people are viewing the beginnings of his life as him on the floor of an orphanage in his own feces. It's not a sentiment I agree with, nor do the other foster parents I know. Maybe people watch too many Save the Children telethons or exposés on 60 Minutes. I don't know, but it's inaccurate and sad. This baby has been loved an cared for every minute since he was born, and no one knows what his in utero life was like, so that's just speculation.

We don't need to bash bio parents or other foster parents. We are all just doing the best we can.

Aging out: voices from those in the foster care system

Aging out: voices from those in the foster care system

Rapid Progression

Is this baby smiling, coo-ing and laughing? Yes. In one week.

Finding a doctor...

Who takes Medicaid. I asked around and got referral from the other foster families. Doing intake on the phone with the secretary, my impression is that she's not thrilled about another Medicaid baby.  I understand. Imagine if a doctor's entire practice were Medicaid patients? They wouldn't make a cent, and they'd shut down. There has to be a balance in the patient payments. There has to be insured patients to cover the losses. I don't want to be a burden, and yet, I want a doctor with some experience with the foster care system.

Beginnings

We were prepared for the worst. Keep expectations low, and that way you won't be disappointed.

The first night, just as we were told, he slept in 15 minute increments. Up,down, repeat. I was up jiggling and rocking him all night. He was unable to transfer out of my arms. It was stressful and exhausting.

After a day or two, he suddenly started sleeping in 4 hours blocks. We were alarmed at first. But he looked more relaxed, more rested. Lost the tension from his face and forehead.  He was getting 16+ hours of sleep a day.

What happened? No idea. Was it a developmental milestone?  Seems unlikely to happen overnight. Maybe there were allergens in his last foster home?

Suddenly he is a typical baby, dare I say...easy.  Knock on wood. Knock hard, bang my head on wood. I hope he stays easy for awhile.

Where do babies come from

Baby will be delivered to my doorstep at 3pm today. I heard it is brought by a stork and they just ring the doorbell and fly away!

Update: That's basically what happened. CW dropped him off and unloaded a ton of his belongings onto my front lawn. She handed me a folder of papers and pretty much said, see ya!

Missing him

I thought about and missed him all weekend.  I had rubbed my face on his head, and I could still smell him on my cheek. Johnson's baby powder smell. I didn't want to wash my face. Can't wait to see him again.

We met him

And he is beautiful. I had to walk across an enormous park to meet him and the CW in a pavilion. It was about a half a mile. I could see him from afar and it felt like eternity to get to him. Slo-mo, like a movie. I basically started sobbing along the way but composed myself when I approached. One look at him...this is him.  It's him, our son. He calmed in my arms. He held my gaze. We fed him, Mae fed him, it all felt natural. This is it.

Eval

I read through his extensive eval that was performed at 8 weeks. It reads like a horror story to any parent.
"Inability to soothe or be soothed. Avoids physical contact. Does not enjoy human interaction.  Cries uncontrollably. Does not try to interact. Unable to self regulate. Over sensitive. Never happy, wears a dour expression at all times. Sleep in 15 minute increments and no more than 8 hours a day total."

He qualifies for any and all services, from EI to medical to therapeutic.

Who in their right mind would volunteer for this job? I don't know, but it sounds like we might be the perfect parents for him. This is all old hat to us, all familiar. It reads like Mae's baby book (that never got filled in, too much screaming). Do I DESIRE another fussy baby? Not really. But who else is more prepared for this job? I've already researched it to the ends of the Earth. I think he's meant for us, and us for him. Let's see what the meeting is like. But both of us are already thinking: Yes.

We got the call

I am finishing up 9 days of the flu and live in a construction zone with no kitchen and a contractor who abandoned the job, so we are at the pinnacle of stress and exhaustion. Perfect time for a call from the agency, right? We joked about it and of course it came true.

Case worker called me today about a 2 month old baby boy in need of  a placement. Born opiate exposed, mom cannot be found. He is one of several of his mom's children, and mom has none of them. A father was named at the hospital but DNA has ruled that man out, so father is unknown. I'll call the baby "Jay".

He was in hospital for 3 weeks with withdrawal but did not require methadone and has no other medical issues. He went to a foster (not pre-adopt) home and they have requested to have him removed because he is an extreme “fussy baby”. They want him moved ASAP.  As much as I am not thrilled to have another fussy baby, as Mae was the ultimate incurable fussy baby, for years, I also feel we have the knowledge and experience already so it’s old hat, that screaming 24/7.

He is low legal risk as mom has not fought for her other children, but services will still be offered to her if they can find her. He was born in Jan and he was full term and a good size.

As soon as CW called and started talking, I started crying and felt like “this is it”.  We have not actually accepted the placement, as she told me to call her in the morning with questions and to discuss. Peet wants to request to meet Jay first, mainly for Mae, as a better transition and preparation.  CW assured me that we don’t need a kitchen for him, as long as we have running water in the bathroom to wash dishes.  Yikes!! Newborn baby and no kitchen, let the fun begin!! We are not even unpacked yet from our move!

That’s my update, I am so glad I have other foster parent friends to share this adventure with. I found myself contemplating which of my friends to contact first, and I feel like none of them really understand the gravity of the situation, or would advise against a drug exposed fussy baby. They don’t understand.  So I am glad to have foster moms, who are in the trenches with us, and who know that the circumstances of this placement are completely typical and expected and something to celebrate over!!

"Palms" - the story of a foster child in search of a forever family

Palms from Deep Williams on Vimeo.

"Palms" is the story of a foster child in search of a forever family who is holding his heart in the palm of their hands. Winner of the 2013 International Family Film Festival - short drama category, Palms has been shown to various organizations, churches, and families to bring awareness to the plight of children and their experiences in foster care and adoption. Music selections were generously donated by various musical artists such as Moby, David Helping, John Torres, and Bela Fleck. The story is a personal reflection of the filmmaker and his wife who adopted a little boy through DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services) in Los Angeles, CA . It was through their personal experiences that brought this small film to light. The film stars Nathaniel Potvin from "Twist of Faith", Zondra Wilson, Regina Bryant, Jason Woods, and Steve Ward. Palms was written, produced, and directed by award winning filmmaker Deep Williams.

ReMoved - A Short Film About Foster Care. From the Child's Perspective.

ReMoved from HESCHLE on Vimeo.
ReMoved follows the emotional story through the eyes of a young girl taken from her home and placed into foster care.

Foster Care: Our Love story: Why I Hate Adoption

This sums up every reservation that I have about infant adoption.



Foster Care: Our Love story: Why I Hate Adoption: Post Home

Why We Chose Foster Care

A good answer to the question.

Why We Chose Foster Care